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Today we hear from the incredible Alana Sheeren on her journey to see her self and her body with kindness and compassion. Alana’s work so moves me. I’ve been loving watching her Transformational Talk series. Welcome Alana!
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My belly button hasn’t recovered from pregnancy.
It used to be a cute innie, pierced in my twenties and adorned with a glittering aquamarine stone. Now it’s a strange looking, stretched, bulgy outie that my daughter likes to poke at and wonder about out loud.
I remember lying in bed with my husband somewhere in my 6th or 7th month, laughing hysterically as it popped in and out, following my laughter like some crazed jack-in-the-box. It was fun at the time, part of the wonder of being pregnant (especially after a miscarriage). Now it’s a reminder of how my life has been transformed.
After my daughter was born, I had a hard time losing the pregnancy weight. Two years later I had another miscarriage, then a broken leg, another pregnancy, bedrest, emergency surgery and a stillborn son. By the end, I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror and I felt deeply betrayed by organs, muscle and bone.
I made a vow to return to health. I had few rules – no diets, only exercise I loved. I learned gluten was damaging my insides and within days of giving it up felt lighter inside. One morning I stood naked in front of the mirror, dissecting myself with a judgmental eye. I stopped, put my hands on my soft, still pregnant looking belly and said, I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me. I cried and forgave myself. The weight slowly melted away.
Judging the physical form comes as naturally to me as walking. I grew up dancing and learned early on that I was too tall, not skinny enough and without enough natural turnout to live my ballerina dream. I spent years in Hollywood, glancing around me in audition waiting rooms to see who was prettier, shorter, funkier, thinner, more worthy of the work than I. I dieted and yo-yo’d my way through two decades, rarely satisfied with how I looked.
Now, on the other side of giving birth to life and death, I feel such huge compassion for our bodies. I catch my judgments more quickly, and celebrate our differences instead of letting them feed my ego’s desire for comparison. Somewhere along my healing path, I began asking my body what it craved and listening to the answers – to dance, to sleep, to feel pleasure, to be honored and seen as sacred. While I still struggle to prioritize these things, when I love and care for my body, I feel like I am saving my own life.
These days I stop short when I see my body in pictures. Everything external has changed: thinner legs, softer belly, deeper lines, breasts less perky after nursing a child. There are moments when I laugh out loud at the sight of myself in a shop window, delighted and amazed. I am grateful for my body’s strength and power, for the messages it sends, and the new ways it experiences, inhabits and responds to the world around me.
But on the days I find myself worrying that my thighs have suddenly expanded, or wondering what it would take to finally firm up my belly, or if there’s botox-free way to erase the frown lines from my brow, I do my best to stop, place my hand gently on that part of my body and say, I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you. Forgive me.
Imperfect, lovely, loving, she always does.
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Alana Sheeren is an emotional alchemist, deep conversation catalyst, Reiki Master, Kundalini yogi and proud mama of two children, a 5-year-old daughter and a stillborn son. Her unique blend of compassion, insight and expertise creates a warm, judgment-free space for deep exploration, self-realization and growth.
You can find her at AlanaSheeren.com, where you can download her free e-book, Picking Up the Pieces: thoughts on grief and growth, watch her interview series, Transformation Talk, or read about Life After Benjamin, where she captured the daily ups and downs of grief and loss.