Showing up for Ourselves

I was out on a photo walk the other night, around my neighbourhood. I put down my camera as I always do, drawn to spots where there might be a bit of privacy. Perhaps where the houses are up high and they wouldn’t see me down here on the sidewalk, in the alley, or that spot where the plants have taken over and it feels like you’re in the woods for a moment or two.

What works one day to stop and take a photo may not work the next, but that’s part of the fun of going on a selfie photo walk and getting brave to put down my camera and use the timer (yup, after all this time it still feels brave to take selfies in public like that).

There always comes a moment in the photo walk where something in me says NOW. The light is just right, suddenly it feels like there is no one there and I go for it. I take a few photos and feel like I’m truly embracing the moment. If I’m lucky I’ll get a lot of time to take photos but often, someone walks by. I live in a neighbourhood where everyone is around walking their dog, going to the park, living life on foot. And I love that. But it definitely makes for more challenging selfies.

And people come by. They always do. I usually look at the back of the camera and look up and say hi. Or take a photo of a flower and wait until they go. Or I’ll switch to a new spot.

But on this day, it seemed like whenever I pressed the shutter thinking that there was no one around, suddenly there would be someone right there and unusually…I was getting a lot of funny looks.

And I mean, often our inner critics are loud enough and to think that people are judging us can make us want to stop.

I tell the Be Your Own Beloved participants (registration is open for the upcoming session by the way) I tell them to use the ‘I’m taking a class’ answer and to remember that we’re actually probably brightening someone’s day by soaking up our joy like this, for being ourselves, for being creative beings out in the world taking our photos.

But if you’ve been around this blog before, you know I try to share those moments that are behind the scenes. Cause I know that I could just make this whole selfie thing look easy…but I don’t want that. Because the behind the scenes part is the work of changing the way we see ourselves. The work of learning to believe in ourselves and our worthiness happens in moments like these when we want to run home and hide from the fact that someone just saw us take a photo of ourselves. And we choose to stay with ourselves.

And I still have those moments, regularly. Because the work of being our own beloved is ever evolving. It is showing up for ourselves again and again. Photo by photo.

So on this day, oh how I wanted to run home. After the 3rd funny/suspicious look from people I just felt too bare, too vulnerable to try again. Or was I.

After the last time, after the last person walked away wondering what I was up to, I stayed.

I stayed with myself and paused to take this photo above. To ground myself in the knowing that there is nothing wrong with being out here telling my visual story and continuing to heal how I see myself.

And it made all the difference. Looking at it tells me the story of a moment when I showed up for myself like I’d want to show up for a friend or a loved one.

I wanted to share this with you in case the next time you’re taking a selfie your inner critic tells you to run. Or your scared to take the selfie to begin with.

Stay.

Ground yourself in the knowing that no matter what the photo ends up looking like, the experience of taking our photo is just as important. Showing up for ourselves is as big a part of being our own beloved as getting a photo we love.

And sometimes showing up for ourselves is the hardest part.

But we are worth showing up for.