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I went out for a photo walk in the garden I always go to, in a dress I had recently thrifted that felt like a second skin. The sun was out and I was aflutter with excitement about my upcoming trip. As well, the garden was quiet. It’s often filled with gardeners…though while strangers, I totally adore them cause they pay little notice to the woman in the polka dots taking photos amongst the flower beds.
But this day was quiet so I felt comfortable putting down my camera on the edge of a raised flower bed and stepping into one of the more open spaces in the garden.
I took tonnes of photos letting any worry about that being ‘too much’ slip away (I’ve had practice on that one). Everything felt in alignment and I felt really good about the photos as I looked at them…knowing that while it wasn’t my goal (my goal was just to celebrate feeling fabulous in that new-to-me-dress and how it felt like it let me see my body with kindness and even confidence exactly as it is right now) I would probably end up using them for my website.
And indeed I ended up using many of them as new blog and Facebook page headers and all around the site.
Then the moment came.
It was as though my eyes became tunnel vision focused in on one part of the photo.
That roll. That place where leggings end and push in a bit. You could call it a muffin top (though I don’t love that term…mostly because I hear it said with such mocking of our bodies rather than empowerment).
How could I not notice that.
Why did I post the photos?
Cool I didn’t notice it and judge it right away but what if people are out there judging me?
Now, if you’re wanting to say “I barely even noticed it” or reassure someone else of the okay-ness of their body…please do pause. That is super lovely of you but I hope you’ll keep reading before jumping to the comments to reassure me. This is the challenge of talking about the inner workings of our minds in the process of healing my body image…people want to reassure us, save us from ourselves. But don’t worry, I’ve got my own back…these are things that no matter what anyone else says, we need to let the kindness into our own hearts, for ourselves. So know that is what I thought in that moment and continue on to find out what happened next…
Do you know that feeling? That gut drop when you see a photo online and your eyes focus on one thing and only one thing?
It’s something I hear folks talk about regularly and definitely a tender thing for a lot of us.
In this moment I had that “I should take it down” feeling and that old muscle memory of taking a photo down in a panic almost began and then, thankfully, a new voice I’ve been cultivating (my inner body-love-mama-bear-protector) appeared kind of like it did in this moment I shared a while back and said.
“No….are you kidding me. How is this photo any less worthy than a moment ago when you loved it”.
And really, what was I to say to that. My inner-body-love-protector voice knows what to say to bring me back to my heart.
That voice is really new to me but its something I’ve been working really hard to develop. It had been a long long time of not knowing what words could calm my critic down before they finally developed into a voice that did speak the right words to help me return to centre. Though of course I still have those times where my critic is fiercer…its all a work in progress and always will be.
It’s also been about building resilience and not let those critical moments take over my day (cause that used to be the case…I’d take down those photos mortified at what people might have thought and then get caught up in the shame of it).
It isn’t just the moments of feeling absolutely fabulous and loving a photo that are the goal as much as learning how to hold ourselves with kindness when we don’t feel that way.
So the photos are still there and believe me I won’t take them down. Because I’m not looking to teach about body-image by being picture perfect. I want to continue to be real. And real me has rolls and folds and a belly and curves.
And I know in this body-love path, sometimes we need to see people who mirror our own selves rockin’ their self-empowerment to claim our own. My body is probably going to be quite different than yours in a myriad of way (cause we humans are so beautifully diverse) and sometimes when we see someone else’s story we have a tendency to do the “Ya, but she’s not _____ ” and compare our own bodies. If that’s the case, treat yourself to some time over at one of my favourite Tumblrs called Stop Hating Your Body which I love cause they really rock at including a really diverse range of folks on their blog. I hope you’ll see yourself reflected back by someone proudly rockin’ their own confidence.
If this whole idea of being in front of the camera and seeing photos of yourself feels well, terrifying or vulnerable to you…maybe the time is right to come and join in for the Be Your Own Beloved class that starts November 1st. This class wasn’t created for people who already rock selfies with total confidence. It was created for you, for folks who find the idea of it really really vulnerable (cause thats where I began with the process too). You don’t need fancy gear and smartphones are 100% welcome (even encouraged). Come join us and learn tools not only to take photos you feel good about but to build resilience for when you see ones that bring up old stories…like the one that happened for me today. Class starts soon!
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