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Sometimes it isn’t just our inner critic that might stop us from taking self-portraits.
Sometimes it is someone else who is criticizing what we are doing in taking our selfies or self-portraits. While some surely are lighthearted and easy to brush off, other times it might feel downright hurtful.
So what do we do when we have an outer critic, be it a friend, a partner or a stranger, criticizing our journey?
I had an example of this happen the other day, on Instagram in fact. Now, while I’m all for constructive criticism in appropriate settings (like a feedback form after a class, or if I request that kind of feedback in my Mastermind Group on something I’m sharing)…Instagram…just isn’t the place for that. In fact it has always felt like my happy place, where people comment with kindness and I feel free to share both self-portraits and my everyday images.
So I was shocked when someone started commenting on a whole pile of my photos over a day, pointing out how many foot photos I take and how they thought I should ‘challenge myself more’. It definitely hit a nerve (well, and mostly the way they did it commenting on an excessive number of photos as though I had asked them to critique my work).
To be told I don’t challenge myself felt so strange. It made something rise up in me saying “Are you kidding me? Do you think doing this work is easy? I challenge myself every single frickin’ day”. To have my self-portraits judged for being too simplistic irked me at the core, as while yes…I do share a lot of foot self-portraits, it is done so in the way that I’m consciously living my work, participating in the kinds of activities I’m asking participants in my classes to do (plus, foot photos rock). I suppose in their mind this person wanted me to do more photographically complex self-portraits (maybe levitating, doing those surreal type self-portraits) but dude…thats just not my thing.
This energy of anger rising up in me is a gift in a way…its an energy of self-empowerment, of knowing my truth even if someone else can’t see it. This is one of the things I think we can gift ourselves with when faced with an outer critic. We can listen to the inner knowing that arises (indeed sometimes in the form of anger)! It felt like it was a doorway to reminding myself that I believe in what I’m doing and who I am, even if some random stranger doesn’t!
So I think these moments of unsolicited critique can spark self-belief (though they sure don’t feel that great at the time, does it)! In this situation I quickly realized that this had absolutely nothing to do with me and had everything to do with that person likely feeling stuck and not challenged in their own photography path.
A stranger may be easier to brush off than a family member or friend, but in all of those cases it is important for us to remember it probably really has nothing to do with us personally, or our self-portrait. It is bringing something up in the other persons path. Would it be appreciated if they kept it to themselves rather than passed it on to us? Heck yes. But that isn’t always the case, so we have to figure out for each of us, how to handle the aftermath and not let ourselves feel paralyzed by the experience.
But what do we do when the outer critics appear?
One of the most important things I’ve found is that critique is an opportunity to look at ourselves, our work, our creative process, or growth and to remind ourselves of what we are proud of, of what we’ve done, of what feels important to us. I know it can feel pretty debilitating sometimes to not feel supportive but as it was in my recent example, it really gives us the chance to show up and support ourselves. To ground ourselves in the belief in what we are going. To say ‘No, I don’t agree and I believe in what I’m doing and the way I’m doing it”.
I feel like we are often enough of our own critic and while critique can help us grow, it can also feel really damaging and an invitation to feel small. So there are times & places where we can seek out critique if we want that push to grow, but otherwise I just really think we deserve the right to create in a place of feeling safe from being unexpectedly criticized.
A few other things that I’ve found really helpful in dealing with outer critics is:
- Remember that unsolicited critique is probably WAY more about the other person than ourselves. Are they frustrated with their own creative path so they are critiquing yours?
- Ponder how much value I put in their critique. Are they someone I admire who has been ahead of me in their creative or entrepreneurial path who might be trying to ‘save me from their mistakes’ (but of course we still have to go our own way). Are they someone who I feel treats me with kindness generally?
- To engage or not to engage…indeed that is the question. That is really up to you, and probably dependant on whether the critic is family or friends or folks we’d like to communicate & share our perspective (and stand up for ourselves). I know when I’ve stood up for myself and expressed my point of view, it felt good but then quickly felt like they weren’t going to see my perspective no matter what, so shifting towards self-care & resilience in my own emotions often seems like the best path to move forward.
- Have a few people who you feel like you can safely go to for constructive criticism and value there opinion over unsolicited critique!
- If it is unsolicited critique from a stranger (or a friend) on social media, remember that we have tools there to help us feel safe. You could create filters on Facebook that have people in the ‘close friend’ or ‘acquaintance’ category and put folks who you feel support your creative path in one category and those who don’t in another, and then share your creative path with those who you trust. In the case of an Instagram critic, I found myself feeling shame the next time I went to post a foot selfie and you know what…this path is really about reducing shame so I felt really comfortable blocking this person so I could share foot photos as usual without further unsolicited critique. In this case, they didn’t cross the line into the zone of needing to be ‘reported’ so just blocking them made me feel safe, but sometimes real live critics (not just our inner ones) can venture into inappropriate territory that can only be defined as ‘troll’ behaviour so in those cases there are further measures we can take to protect ourselves.
- Take back your power! Remind yourself of how YOU see yourself and your work and what you are proud of!
- Experience supportive community, like in Be Your Own Beloved. As I mentioned in this post, the supportive energy of sharing self-portraits in the context of a class like this can be deeply healing. We gain more belief in ourselves and we are deeply supported & encouraged by the other participants as we explore something that for many of us is really vulnerable. To regain trust, especially if we have been hurt by outer critics, can be really powerful!
I hope this is helpful to you and next time someone sends some unsolicited critique our way, lets arm ourselves with some of these tools to cultivate resilience and get back to the fun & powerful tool of taking self-portraits!