Learn to See Yourself with Compassion

October 24, 2015

5 Days in Dublin

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After a lovely week with my brother in Edinburgh it was time for a bit of solo travel to Ireland. It is the one place overseas I had been before as in my early 20’s I went on a grand adventure with my 2 roommates to Ireland and toured much of the Island.

Dublin came at the very end of that trip and I honestly couldn’t remember a thing about visiting there. So when pondering where to go for some solo adventure time nearish to Scotland, Dublin was in the forefront of my thoughts. I honestly wasn’t sure why I was feeling called to go to Dublin, but trusted whatever was telling me to.

So I booked an AirBnb there to have a home base in an area I had a feeling I’d like. Honestly, I didn’t plan much as I really wanted to be present for the Edinburgh part of the trip and knew that whatever happened in Dublin would be grand.

Cause, well…life with a camera in hand…you find beauty wherever you go.

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My first day in Dublin set the tone for the rest of the trip. I wandered around the Temple Bar area and around every turn I’d see murals and street art which other than selfies is pretty much my favourite thing to capture through the lens. So much so that when I’d turn another corner and see MORE art, more murals at one point I found myself feeling a little emotional. Beauty overwhelm you could say!

So each day I headed out for a different area of town to see what street art and other bits of beauty I could find and find it I did. It’s a vibrant urban city in just my favourite ways. Not only that, but as you probably know, earlier this year Ireland was the first country in the world to legalize same sex marriage by popular vote. Even these months later you could feel the energy of the YES vote and especially see it in the street art and literally on the walls of buildings. It definitely stole my heart. I live in a country where this has been law for a decade which I deeply value, but a country voting it in feels SO powerful.

I spent most of my days walking with my camera until my feet were sore. What I loved the most about each of these wanderings is that I didn’t have to plan out anything but the general area I wanted to go to. The art just found me. I’d peek down side streets and alleys or just find it there right in front of me. It’s that feeling of seeking it out and finding it that felt really wonderful too…it’s not about getting it perfect, it’s about the adventure.

Day 1 was the Temple Bar area where you’ll find the most murals and street art in the city and probably the most likely to be the same art next time I’m there for the most part.

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I headed over to Gratham Street which is the fancier shopping area of town. I’m glad I checked it out and loved the small streets around that area but it was probably the most busy touristy part of Dublin and I confess I found myself more at ease as soon as I left.

I also found the St Patricks Park that I was staying near which was such a sweet place to settle into the energy of just sitting and savouring the moment. In Paris I stayed near the Luxembourg Gardens and it seems as though the ‘park around the corner’ has become a favourite part of my travels and invites in that energy of slowing down.

Day 2 I explored Camden Street which had my favourite art which I found out later were all mainly by the artist Maser. All of the murals with the big bold statements were his and what I really love about his work is the heart in it, the love and the messages of empowerment it shares. You can find his Instagram here if you’re interested.

I also was finally able to check out the Tivoli Car Park which is a big parking lot full of graffiti and murals fairly near where I was staying. It was closed the first day and I was SO eager to get in there and check it out. I think it’s the street art that probably changes the most often. It sounds like they have an event and redo it every year.

I also headed over to the St. Stephen’s Green and Iveagh Gargens (the later was SO lovely and quiet and had me swooning and feeling that aliveness and living in the moment). It was the perfect place to put my camera down and take some selfies!

Day 3 I headed over to a different area of town past the Guinness Brewery and checked out the Museum of Modern Art which I LOVED and spend a large portion of the day there. I checked out a number of art and photography galleries while I was there too but this was most definitely my favourite. Both in Ireland and Scotland the National Galleries are free (or by donation) which absolutely rocks and I checked out some of those too as well as the Modern Gallery.

Day 4 I got up SUPER early and headed out with both my big lens (the heavy one that I’d been resisting carrying around this week but also knew I wanted to capture the city in it) and my Polaroid camera. There were also a number of murals I had been wanting to get a shot of without a car in front of it.

In the afternoon I went on my 1 and only tour of the trip which was a blast. It was an electric bike tour with a wonderful company Lazy Bike Tours (awesome name, right). Getting to see a city by bike is a favourite way to travel but this city made me nervous in terms of cycling so I wanted to be sure to go with a tour (oh, plus the driving on the other side of the road thing)!

Day 5: Alas, on Day 5 I packed up and headed out, first stopping at my favourite breakfast place in Dublin called Queen of Tarts (where they had divine gluten free bread) before heading to the airport and wandering the Temple Bar mural lined streets once more before hopping on the bus to the airport and heading home across the ocean.

I came home with a full heart from this part of the trip too, feeling so grateful for all the vibrant beauty that I got to come across in Dublin. I’m glad I listened to that travel-intuition even though I had no clue what I’d find.

There truly is beauty everywhere, awaiting us to seek it out.

Both home and afar.

October 22, 2015

All of You is Worthy of Your Love (belly, rolls, curves & folds included)!

I went out for a photo walk in the garden I always go to, in a dress I had recently thrifted that felt like a second skin. The sun was out and I was aflutter with excitement about my upcoming trip. As well, the garden was quiet. It’s often filled with gardeners…though while strangers, I totally adore them cause they pay little notice to the woman in the polka dots taking photos amongst the flower beds.

But this day was quiet so I felt comfortable putting down my camera on the edge of a raised flower bed and stepping into one of the more open spaces in the garden.

I took tonnes of photos letting any worry about that being ‘too much’ slip away (I’ve had practice on that one). Everything felt in alignment and I felt really good about the photos as I looked at them…knowing that while it wasn’t my goal (my goal was just to celebrate feeling fabulous in that new-to-me-dress and how it felt like it let me see my body with kindness and even confidence exactly as it is right now) I would probably end up using them for my website.

And indeed I ended up using many of them as new blog and Facebook page headers and all around the site.

Then the moment came.

It was as though my eyes became tunnel vision focused in on one part of the photo.

That roll. That place where leggings end and push in a bit. You could call it a muffin top (though I don’t love that term…mostly because I hear it said with such mocking of our bodies rather than empowerment).

How could I not notice that.

Why did I post the photos?

Cool I didn’t notice it and judge it right away but what if people are out there judging me?

Now, if you’re wanting to say “I barely even noticed it” or reassure someone else of the okay-ness of their body…please do pause. That is super lovely of you but I hope you’ll keep reading before jumping to the comments to reassure me. This is the challenge of talking about the inner workings of our minds in the process of healing my body image…people want to reassure us, save us from ourselves. But don’t worry, I’ve got my own back…these are things that no matter what anyone else says, we need to let the kindness into our own hearts, for ourselves. So know that is what I thought in that moment and continue on to find out what happened next…

Do you know that feeling? That gut drop when you see a photo online and your eyes focus on one thing and only one thing?

It’s something I hear folks talk about regularly and definitely a tender thing for a lot of us.

In this moment I had that “I should take it down” feeling and that old muscle memory of taking a photo down in a panic almost began and then, thankfully, a new voice I’ve been cultivating (my inner body-love-mama-bear-protector) appeared kind of like it did in this moment I shared a while back and said.

“No….are you kidding me. How is this photo any less worthy than a moment ago when you loved it”.

And really, what was I to say to that. My inner-body-love-protector voice knows what to say to bring me back to my heart.

That voice is really new to me but its something I’ve been working really hard to develop. It had been a long long time of not knowing what words could calm my critic down before they finally developed into a voice that did speak the right words to help me return to centre. Though of course I still have those times where my critic is fiercer…its all a work in progress and always will be.

It’s also been about building resilience and not let those critical moments take over my day (cause that used to be the case…I’d take down those photos mortified at what people might have thought and then get caught up in the shame of it).

It isn’t just the moments of feeling absolutely fabulous and loving a photo that are the goal as much as learning how to hold ourselves with kindness when we don’t feel that way.

So the photos are still there and believe me I won’t take them down. Because I’m not looking to teach about body-image by being picture perfect. I want to continue to be real. And real me has rolls and folds and a belly and curves.

And I know in this body-love path, sometimes we need to see people who mirror our own selves rockin’ their self-empowerment to claim our own. My body is probably going to be quite different than yours in a myriad of way (cause we humans are so beautifully diverse) and sometimes when we see someone else’s story we have a tendency to do the “Ya, but she’s not _____ ” and compare our own bodies. If that’s the case, treat yourself to some time over at one of my favourite Tumblrs called Stop Hating Your Body which I love cause they really rock at including a really diverse range of folks on their blog. I hope you’ll see yourself reflected back by someone proudly rockin’ their own confidence.

If this whole idea of being in front of the camera and seeing photos of yourself feels well, terrifying or vulnerable to you…maybe the time is right to come and join in for the Be Your Own Beloved class that starts November 1st. This class wasn’t created for people who already rock selfies with total confidence. It was created for you, for folks who find the idea of it really really vulnerable (cause thats where I began with the process too). You don’t need fancy gear and smartphones are 100% welcome (even encouraged). Come join us and learn tools not only to take photos you feel good about but to build resilience for when you see ones that bring up old stories…like the one that happened for me today. Class starts soon!

October 18, 2015

Stop Telling Us How to Take Our Selfies

I mean it. Stop it.

I bet you think you’re helping us, right?

Because selfies are going wild these days and everyone seems to be taking them. Tons of them.

You’ve gotta reign us in and let us know the do’s and don’ts of taking selfies.

But you aren’t helping us.

You are shaming us.

Everywhere I look online there are articles informing us of how it is acceptable to take a selfie. Some are even on websites that share great articles otherwise but not about this! Telling us how to pose, how and when to take selfies, what is too much or too little. Things like:

Don’t get cocky, don’t use them for attention.
Know which poses are considered passé!
Don’t be so serious, don’t overdo it!
No double chins! No one wants to see that!
Fix Your Face

Reading them, all I hear is this:

You are not enough. Make yourself look like enough. Don’t show your bad side. Be ashamed of your bad side. You are not enough but don’t be too much okay? Don’t be uncool. Don’t try to get too much attention. Hide yourself. Tell the story you think other people want to see.

It’s enough to make you put down your camera and never try to take a selfie isn’t it.

Sure there are a few great tips in there, but every time I read these articles I’m just floored by the way they are written. We are being told at every turn that selfies are only okay if you _____________ (don’t share too many, don’t share bad ones, don’t try too hard, etc).

They are also instructions, rooted in diet-culture with the singular goal of getting our bodies to look smaller and as much as possible, fit into normative body standards.

I mean, I could teach you all these tips but I don’t want to and I won’t. Becasue I want more than that for you.

Now, how-to posts are generally great and yes indeed I write tip posts here on the blog too but they aren’t about taking flattering photos or ‘doing something right’ but are about welcoming in more love through the camera. These above make me mad because they aren’t trying to share technical information or help us learn about ourselves. They are straight up telling us what to do, what is acceptable. They are telling us to go outside of ourselves in order to ‘do it right’.

That is one of my biggest problems with the critique of selfies, the assumption that we are doing it for others not for ourselves. Because doing it for ourselves would be self-centred or narcissistic right (another MAJOR critique of selfies, right)! It’s like we can’t win.

While I think some of the culture of selfies these days is outside of my comfort zone, I’m floored by how we are so blatantly being controlled around how we should or shouldn’t take a selfie.

It makes me want to scream and this is why. These articles are full of shaming.

Shaming our selfie taking.

Shaming our bodies or assuming we should hate our bodies.

Shaming our photos or our reasoning behind taking selfies.

Because here is the thing that I think many people don’t realize, especially those people writing the articles: Selfies are a way for us to decide how we want to see ourselves, not the way you think we should.

By telling us these things you are taking away our voice, our expression. You are writing our narrative for how to take a selfie and disempowering us from telling our stories, our way.

When I started taking self-portraits, I found that for the first time in my life I could create a space where outside voices weren’t in charge of how I saw myself. It allowed me to quiet down all of the external voices so I could finally hear my own and was deeply healing. Which is why I want other people to have the right to create that space for themselves too. Because you are worthy of having that space in your life, where you get to hear your own voice and value it.

If you haven’t taken one of my classes and just arrived at this site you might be thinking “Hey wait…don’t you teach people how to take selfies though?” and indeed my classes are about taking selfies, but that’s why this is so important to me. In the classes I don’t teach you how to take selfies like me, or how to take selfies like anyone else for that matter…you are invited to discover your story, your voice and what lights you up when you pick up the camera. We all have our own unique voice that deserves to be heard.

Part of the process of taking selfies is learning how to do just that, to tell our story. To figure out why we want to take selfies and what we want to share with the world. Even if that involves taking a LOT of selfies, ones that fit both inside and outside of the box of what you think we should be doing.

That’s why I think you need to stop telling me, and all of us, how to take our selfies.

Stop telling us how to tell our own story.

Stop telling us how to pose for the most ‘flattering’ selfie.

Stop telling us how to let ourselves shine the best, how to fit into a certain type of beauty.

Stop assuming that you know why we are taking selfies.

Because we are not doing this for you. We are doing this for ourselves.

Instead, why don’t we:

Love ourselves as we are right now rather than hiding our perceived flaws.

Explore different angles and see what we like, not just the angle we are told to.

Trust (yes, even trusting teens who take selfies) that we are using it as a tool for self-discovery.

Use it as a tool to see ourselves with kindness, not critique….from others or ourselves.

Now if you don’t mind…I’m going to tune out those kind of articles until they improve (and invite you too as well) and get back to the business of telling my story, my way!

October 16, 2015

Scotland Adventures

I haven’t travelled much before this year. At least abroad. Really, I feel like we can treat every day like we’re seeing the world through traveller’s eyes so in a way I’ve travelled endlessly. And I’ve had the great joy of getting to travel a fair amount to retreats over the past few years. But hoping on a very long plane ride to another part of the world many time zones away…not so much.

It started this spring with a trip with family to where my matrilineal side is from, Latvia…plus an adventure to Paris solo before heading home. I caught the travel bug, big time. I loved the way it brings out this wide eyed wonder both in myself, and in the conversations I’d have with people before and after. I loved shaking up my normal and walking the world with everything looking anew. And what has truly stolen my heart is the way we find connections to ourselves and sometimes to our history abroad especially in the places I’ve been travelling to. My travels this year have also been very family related, either travelling with family, to visit family or to places where I have heritage.

Plus, there are those parts of my life that are unanswered, places I have yet to find home (like finding a partner or being a parent) and I realized that this is the time to travel, to nourish myself in this way. The time is now.

The first trip sparked the travel bug, so I decided to add one more big trip to 2015 over to parts of the UK & Ireland. The first part of this next trip was to Edinburgh, Scotland to visit my brother who is there doing his Ph.D there (proud sister over here)! Getting the chance to visit my brother in this incredible place he lives was something I had to say yes to. Not only that, but getting to spend a week one-on-one with my him and have some sibling connection time feels deeply important. Even with all the places we went, all the photos I took, the part I know I’ll remember the most in this lifetime about this trip is how special it was to get to get to spend this time with him.

That said, Edinburgh was divine. It’s such an old city and I really had the best tour guide. Every day we went on an adventure. Some days to a different part of the city, out of town to a beautiful town called North Berwick (where the castle you’ll see in the photos below are taken), to Glasgow, to galleries, a lovely market and of course some vintage stores. We’re also both introverts so there was a great amount of down time and hanging out with his cat who I adore.

Over the years I’ve found myself posting less about my life itself and more about all things selfies but pushed myself to share this post (and one about Ireland coming soon, part two in this adventure) as this is part of the adventure of being my own beloved, of the choices we make to nourish ourselves. To see my life and myself with compassion. This travel is a part of doing the best I can to support the woman I am right now in this stage of my life. The ‘what is still missing’ can take hold of me and pull me down often and this as well as my regular photo walks back home lift me up, help me savour what it here now. But travel feels like a communication with that part of myself, saying I’m listening and reminding myself of what is here now as well as opening up the door to the unknown, to what is possible.

So here’s the visual story of a week with 1 of my favourite humans, his cat, of Edinburgh, the places we went and the story of a woman who is learning to find a new part of herself with a passport in hand.

October 7, 2015

Selfie Love Stories: Interview with Kyeli Smith

I’m so excited to bring you this new interview series here on the blog where each month I’ll be inviting a selfie & self-compassion explorer to join me here to share their story with you. I knew that the first person I wanted to invite to be a part of this series was the wonderful Kyeli Smith. I’ve been witnessing Kyeli’s powerful selfie journey for a few years now and adore her engaging arm’s length selfies, her magical way of getting creative with her photos and commitment to showing up and telling her story through her images, even when it’s hard.

I can’t wait to share this interview with you though I should forewarn you that in the last question you just might need to have tissue’s handy as her response brought me to tears!

Kyeli, thanks so much for chatting about your selfie journey with me! Tell us…doo you have a go-to favourite selfie style that you do daily or regularly as a practice?

I am a huge fan of the arm’s length selfie. It’s easy, quick, I don’t need a tool, and I’ve done it a gazillion times so I can whip one out in seconds and get a shot that I love about 98% of the time.

You’ve taken Be Your Own Beloved a number of times now. But thinking back to that very first time, what was the experience like for you?

Very challenging. I felt excited and nervous every day. The prompts were so gentle and the community was so supportive, I felt encouraged to be brave and step into the work. It was a truly transformative experience for me.

Do you have a favourite Be Your Own Beloved Prompt? Was this prompt outside your comfort zone at first?

Ooh, that would be “The Story of You”. I always use this one as a challenge to really step outside my comfort zone and find a part of myself that needs the most love and light, so it’s always especially difficult – but always especially worth it.

Have selfies become a regular self-care and self-love practice for you now?

Absolutely yes. It’s pivotal for me to stay in touch with myself through my camera. It helps me see where I’m at, where I’m heading, what’s real and true for me in the moment. Looking at myself through my selfies keeps me deeply connected to myself.

Was there a turning point for you in your selfie journey as a whole? A photo that really felt like it changed the way you saw yourself? Or was it a gradual process of moving towards kindness?

A little of both, actually. The biggest turning point was when I stepped away from the arm’s length shot and took whole-body selfies for the first time. It was like, holy shit – look, I’m just a person who looks… like a person! I took selfies on the beach, standing in the surf at sunset, and when I looked at them I burst into tears. I just filled up with love and kindness for myself – from the roots of my hair to my tippy toes – all at once.

It comes and goes, of course. It’s a process, like you said. But yeah, there are photos that give the process quite the boost from time to time. (;

What favourite gear or apps do you use regularly for your selfies?

I am a low-maintenance kind of gal, so I don’t use much gear (though I admit to a kind of secret lust for a selfie-stick). I use Camera+ and Pixlromatic+ for all kinds of fun filters and effects, Diana for double-exposures, Fuzel for colleges, and Flipagram for creating short videos from still shots. That’s pretty much my entire arsenal.

In the last year you’ve shared through your amazing Instagram feed how the changes in your mobility have been a challenge you’ve worked through in terms of your selfie & self-love practice. Your recent photos on the beach in your chair took my breath away. Would you mind sharing a bit about how your selfie and self-love journey has shifted through this time?

I had found a solid place in my self-love journey after years of selfies and self-work, but then in January of 2014, I got hit by a car and pretty much lost the use of my legs. This threw me into a depression that lasted over a year, and in that time, I’d stopped taking selfies regularly. I took them here and there, sure, but not as my regular practice. I ended up falling away from self-love and stopped seeing myself with kindness or compassion – and struggling with massive dissonance between who I wanted to be and who I actually am.

Getting back into the practice of selfies saved my life. I started over, taking arm’s length face selfies until I found my comfort again, then challenging myself to take shots of my feet – which had changed, because now they’re on wheelchair footpads. Then I’d challenge myself to take leg shots, where you can see the edges of the chair. Then, shots of the chair without me in it. Slowly working myself up to the full-body me-in-the-chair shots. The photos on the beach were a gift to myself, a sort of reaffirming that I am still worthy of love and compassion and kindness. And when I look at them, I have that same reaction as before – a shot of self-love and joy that fills me all the way up.

Returning to the practice of selfies was returning home to myself.

Thinking back to your pre-selfie journey Kyeli…what would you tell her now as she’s about to try turning the camera on herself. Or any advice for folks just beginning this journey?

Oh honey, how hard this will be. How you will hate every shot for the first million, how you will cry about your face and your hair and your body and your life. Every trigger you have will be triggered. Every nasty thing you’ve ever been told will be repeated. Every fiber of your being will tell you to stop, put the camera down, and never look back.

But, my love, this will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself. It will change you to your core. It will open you to levels of self-love you don’t even know are possible. It will soften your heart. It will ripple in ways you can’t imagine; it’s not just you who will change.

Take a deep breath, sweetheart. Take a deep breath, and take that step. Take that first shot – and when you hate it, take another. And another and another and another and don’t ever stop, because somewhere in there, you will find yourself. And it will be magnificent.

Thanks so much Kyeli for sharing your experience with us! Here’s a bit more about Kyeli in her own words plus more about where you can find her!

I’m Kyeli, a wild mystic mermaid. I’m disabled and adventurous, always up to shenanigans. I write stuff (sometimes) and take pictures (often). And I’m obsessed with selfies, in case you didn’t already know. Come find me on Instagram (@Kyeli), and give my podcasts a listen at wildcrazymeaningful.com <3

Share your #selfielovestory via the #beyourownbeloved hashtag! I’ll be looking both at the hashtag as well as participants in the Be Your Own Beloved class for future contributors!