The other day I found myself posting an iPhone version of this image on Instagram after having such a fun time getting playful by this graffiti wall as I took it.

One minute later I checked if anyone had liked or commented.

Then a minute later.

Then a minute later.

And yes, a minute (or even a few seconds) later.

Each time I checked I could feel myself stepping further and further away from myself and feeling drained.

Why did I care so much if people liked that photo?

What did I really want out of the sharing of it?  A certain number of likes?  Or was I craving to get comments?

What kind of comment did I really yearn for?  Who did I crave to get comments from?  What in the world did I really want in this moment?

That whirlwind of questions left me even more drained.

But really, why was it that in this moment I craved outside support more than my own?

That is the question that I really needed to ask myself.

While I love comments and likes, I have a practice that I use that helps me not have these experiences of self-doubt be the norm and I wanted to share that with you today.

It is pretty simple, but whenever I remember to do it, it feels so different than without it.

And it is this:

Ground yourself in how you feel about your own photo first, before sharing it.

What I mean by this is to connect with what you value about the photo, why you like it and what you see with kindness in yourself in it first.  Before ever letting anyone see it.

Connect with yourself first.

Say it out loud.

Write it down.  

Feel it. 

Tell it to the woman in the photo. 

Why? Because then no matter what happens if we choose to share it via social media or not, we know how we feel about it.

So, back to the photo that brought up this self-doubt for me, the kind in which I forgot to ground myself in how I felt first.  It was a dancing photo, one that I’ve needed to replenish valuing my own perception of lately.

I take them (and lots of them) because truthfully they are the ones that heal me the most, that are the ongoing source of healing my relationship to my self image.  They help me daily and weekly to feel connected to my body.  BUT…if I tell you the truth, there is a part of me that worries that they are seen as showing off or that they are received as ‘Not another dancing viv photo’ even though no one has ever said that to me (not even remotely).

Oh the stories we tell ourselves!

That first part I shared with you…that they are the kind of photo that most helps me feel at home in my body, in which I move in a way that feels so free to me and that I’m actually probably going to keep taking that photo for the rest of my life because in it I see a woman who has gone from a place of feeling like a turtle in its shell to dancing freely.

Why am I not valuing that over my totally perceived (and not based in reality) story that people are tired of seeing that kind of photo from me?

Why do we value some made up story of how we think people see us (or that one person has expressed to us that we take as the perception of the whole) and write it into reality in our bones?  

Of course, feeling supported ROCKS and community can be deeply healing, but when we don’t ground ourselves in how we see ourselves, in our own value it it is so easy to feel lost when that support is absent, and take it personally.  What if, in reality, our support system might be having tough days of their own, or their phone might be broken or they might be engaging in self-care by being offline….yet its so easy to take a lack of support personally, even if it really isn’t about us.  By grounding ourself in self-compassion, support becomes a bonus, not the complete definition of our value.

We get to define how we see ourselves and we get to choose where we place that value: in our own hands or in the hands of the number of ‘likes’ and comments we get on social media.

When we put it that way, its easy to choose LOVE but I also know how easy it is to slip into moments of forgetting this new truth.

So these questions arise for me regularly, especially over on Instagram where we can write stories of our value into how many likes or comments we get.

The clearer we get on why and how we are putting each image out there, the more value we are placing in the way we see ourselves, not just focusing our worthiness on how other people are seeing us.

We get to choose ourselves first, with each photo we share.

And guess what, the world often responds to that energy & helps us feel more seen in that way too.

Lately at in-person workshops I’m getting this question more and more often: “But Vivienne…how to I take a more flattering photo?”

I confess.  I have found it a hard one to answer.

Now, its not that I don’t have tricks to tell you to help you take a more flattering photo.

Because indeed I do.

It’s the idea of flattering itself.   It’s just not so simple in the context of doing this work around healing body-image and seeing ourselves with kindness through our cameras.

In fact, if you asked me whats on my mind lately, I’d tell you I’m ‘deconstructing flattering’.

With thoughts like:

What are we looking for in a flattering photo?

Are we wanting to fit into a certain perception of beauty?

Are we wanting to hide parts of ourselves?  Is there anything wrong with that?

What about the reality that what is an unflattering photo to one person might actually be an empowering photo to someone else.

When we start thinking in terms of ‘flattery’ too, I feel like we bring in the good or bad perspective and along with it, potential for negative self-talk.

But at the same time, do I not take a whole bunch of photos myself and then most often pick the one that is, well…the most flattering?  It might not have been the primary goal but it is most definitely an element of the process.  And the fact that it isn’t the primary goal has been a really conscious choice, to value the experience & the healing process of taking photos over whether or not I get a photo that is ‘good enough’.

So you see, it isn’t all that simple!

Taking a flattering photo has never been the sole goal of Be Your Own Beloved, in fact you won’t have even seen those words in any of the copy here on the website.  Because what happens when we start to dig into the process I’m teaching here is that we realize that we are indeed so much more than what can be packaged into a flattering photo and that we have more to say in our photos than just that.  We realize how self-portraits can be so much more than just an arms length photo of our face and that we can actually find healing on our way to take photos we love.

Do we happen to take flattering photos in the process?  Absolutely.  But it hasn’t been a way I have wanted to market this work.

Do I have tips for taking a more flattering photo?  You bet.

Still, its a question that is coming up more and more and one that I want to be better prepared to answer in a way that is really accessible (rather than diving into all the theorizing behind why ‘flattering’ doesn’t need to be the goal).

Getting this question lately has me wanting to be able to say “You bet, here’s how” but in a way that embodies the Beloved energy that I feel so clear on in these classes.

Here’s what I’m coming to.  When I say ‘See Ourselves with Compassion’ we have the potential to mean the same thing.  The outcome of both is that we want to see a photo that makes us say YES.  That makes us proud of what we see reflected back.  That makes us want to share it.

This theorizing actually ended up inspired one of the weekly photo walk activities in the Summer of Selfie Love class that starts next week…so I will most definitely be sharing those ‘Tips for Taking Flattering Selfies’ (in a Be Your Own Beloved way) I’ll be sharing it with you early in our summer of self(ie) love!

I kept this class mighty affordable too (its only $39) so I hope you can join us!

I’ll also be adding these tips into some of the upcoming in person workshops I’ll be doing throughout the year as I know ya’ll are hungry for me to answer that question!

You may not hear me call it ‘flattering’ but indeed…we’ll end up with the same result!

I’m thrilled to be starting a brand new series here on the blog…book reviews!

If you’ve been joining me for a while here, you’ve likely been seeing this coming (and many of you have been asking for it too) is Book Reviews of Body Acceptance and Self-Love books! I’ve got so many planned for you and am excited to gush about our favourite Body Love books together!

For the last year I’ve been on a big kick of reading book that dig into exploring loving our bodies more.  They have been a big range, from more academic books to lots and lots of memoirs of folks path to self-love & body love (my favourite genre).

I feel pretty grateful to be able to live in a city where our library system is big, with amazing librarians who get these kinds of books into the system.

But every so often there is one that I get from the library and just have to go out and buy as I just don’t want to be without it.  The book I’m going to share a bit about today is one of those.  Even its cover alone made me say ‘Heck Yes’!

This amazing book is called Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love & Fashion edited by the amazing Virgie Tovar, a fat activist & sexologist.  This year she started the #losehatenotweight campaign which totally sings to my heart!

So when I recently saw that Virgie was inviting people to check out the audiobook version of the book, I jumped on it.  I had read most of the stories in book form but I have also been on a BIG audiobook kick lately, so was excited to check it out.

I loaded it onto my phone, clicked play and immediately squealed when I realized who’s voice that was narrating the book:  Joy Nash.  Have you heard about Joy Nash?  You might have seen this awesome video called A Fat Rant that went viral a while back.

I’ve been listening to the audiobook as I went about my days over these past few weeks.  One of the things I loved most about it was the way Joy was able to bring the writers voice through.  Its not as though she changed her voice at all as though she was taking on the ‘character’ of the writer at all, but rather, having someone who is deeply passionate about the topic of the book and the stories brought that passion in the writers words through.  You could just hear the passion in her voice as she said the writers words.

The experiences shared in this book are vary, which is something I really appreciated about it.  Some of the stories brought me to tears, some felt like they were speaking my story, others felt more like I was listening to an experience I hadn’t lived myself and wanted to just listen as though a friend was sharing her story with me (and one of the biggest ways we can be an ally is to listen and learn from others experiences, right)!  That is part of the charm of audiobooks, is that it feels much like a conversation, listening to a friend share her vulnerable stories or tell us a tale of how she found her way to see her body & herself in a new way.

I loved that there was a story from a woman in her 80’s alongside much younger folks experiences and so many in between.  As with so many books, there is always room for more voices, more diversity, but I thought this one contained a beautiful mix.

And guess what…Virgie has given me a copy of the audiobook to giveaway to one lucky winner!  Yup…this is a giveaway!!!

To enter the audiobook giveaway just leave a comment on this post.

Note: If you don’t see your comment immediately, don’t worry…with the way my comments work I often need to approve comments so it will indeed appear soon after you post it!

I’ll be picking the lucky winner this Sunday at 5pm Pacific time.

Of course, if you don’t want to wait another minute to dig into the audio book, you can purchase it over here!

Lets embrace our fierce fabulous selves!