There are some days lately when this thought has come to mind:

“Who in the world am I to teach people to see themselves with kindness when I still struggle with it”.

When I get past that moment I remember: Teaching Be Your Own Beloved didn’t come from a “hey, this could be cool to teach about” moment derived out of nothing…it came about because I lived it, photo by photo, day by day, charting the course back from a place of seriously low self-esteem to a place where I feel at home in my body and can see myself with love.

I remind my Be Your Own Beloved students of it often, that this self-love path isn’t linear.

That it isn’t about getting to some place where all of a sudden we have no more self-criticism.

It is about showing up for ourselves with love, the best we can, each day.

And each day doesn’t look the same.

Sometimes it is exactly what we would think are our perceived weaknesses that are really our biggest strengths.  You couldn’t have convinced me 10 years ago that this is what I’d be sharing with the world as I was still so in the thick of it.

I wanted to share this with you in case you are in the thick of it…maybe learning to paint and really having a rough time finding your unique style, or maybe struggling with health issues and learning how to create better self-care…or are working to get yourself out of debt….and these things may not feel like things we have to offer to the world, but I think for every person who’s work I see out there that has a real spark to it, it is because it isn’t just an idea they had.  Rather it comes from turning rough patches into something that they studied, observed, tested, experimented, learned their way through and now realize that we aren’t alone and that our rough patches might actually be our biggest offerings to the world.

I felt drawn to spill this today, just in case you needed it!

I put on the LOVE dress for the first time in the bathroom of the Houston Airport.

The ‘Travel’ clothes I had chosen that morning were feeling the opposite of comfortable and the love dress was right at the top of my bag.

I had never worn it before.

I had gotten it on my San Francisco trip (just at Forever 21+…not anywhere wild & crazy cool) and had seen this in their plus size section and knew it needed to be my ‘teaching’ dress.  I mean, it says LOVE all over it!

So, there I was, just wandering through the Houston Airport when I noticed something was awry.

Everyone was staring at me.

I mean, I get it….I was wearing a dress that proclaimed LOVE about 50 times on it.

They weren’t looking at me in a bad way though, in fact they were all smiling or looking at me inquisitively with kindness.

But to tell you the truth, being so visible isn’t in my comfort zone at all (either in good way or not).

I’ve spent much of my life kind of being under the radar.  I see women getting cat called walking down the street or having other people look at them as though they were existing only for the consumption of the viewer.  The feminist in me knows that this isn’t the kind of being seen I seek and that it can be not so fun.

Being a plus size woman, I’ve always felt that when my body meandered over the line from a size 16 to a size 18 I became less visible and there is both a comfort in being under the radar combined with a frustration of feeling invisible.  I have a feeling I’m not alone in the mixed emotions that come with feeling visible & invisible.

But as I’m growing this business, I’ve been exploring the ideas of visibility, of letting ourselves ‘shine’, of not hiding, of not getting in our own way and that if we have a message we really want to share with the world, we might just need to be really visible.  I’m having to get outside my comfort zone a lot more and be more consciously visible in the world.

Since then I’ve been thinking about that moment a lot, of stepping into a public space and not playing small, in fact boldly proclaiming a statement I was really conscious in choosing to wear on my body.

Then yesterday, I watched this (if you haven’t seen it…do take a few minutes to watch this):

It makes me think about the ways I shrink myself each and every day.

In my written words (this recent post by the Playing Big gal herself…Tara Mohr…woke me up to this).

In my spoken words, especially the way I say Sorry so much.  Very Canadian yes…but like she said in the video: “I asked 5 questions in class today and they all started with ‘Sorry'”…these words keep us small.

In the way I’m navigating this online creative business and the interpersonal parts of it.  I think about the ways that I keep myself small in order to not have friendships change…as when we change, sometimes they do too. (and yes, as I’ve decided to stop keeping myself small, friendships haves sometimes shifted, both in person and online).

But I don’t want to live under the radar.

I don’t want to live a life unseen.

I don’t want to hide because it is comfortable, or because I might hurt people’s feelings by shining my light.

I crave to become more comfortable with being visible.

And my LOVE dress, well it seems like a good way to step outside of my comfort zone and learn to walk the world a little more boldly!

Yesterday, I had to take a break from the computer and go to the community garden not too far from my house.  A couple months ago I had discovered that my camera had the capacity to take double exposures in camera!

I’ve been loving creating double exposures in the past, using Photoshop (or using the awesome website PicMonkey), or using the app Goldfrapp or Hipstamatic (more information on both of these in another recent post about Double Exposures) but taking them in camera has made it easier than ever!

So today, as the final flowers of the summer are still blooming, I couldn’t help but go a bit wild and crazy doing double exposure self-portraits and wanted to share them with you!

But first I thought I’d share a few tips I’ve learned over the years about taking double exposures (either in-camera or layering them in PicMonkey)!

• Its all about light and dark space!  As you can see in some of the photos below, when there is an area that is white or really bright (like the sky or bright light) it overpowers the other layer.  In some cases it might end up that your whole double exposure is overexposed, but maybe not….it might just have really cool effects!  It is something to keep in mind but I do encourage you to experiment!  I try to make sure one layer is dark, like a flower or leaves or even tree branches against the sky to make sure there is a certain amount of the image that will allow the other layer to shine through!
• Let go of expectations!  Creating double exposures is unpredictable!  Thats why the Goldfrapp app is so great….it has a ‘random shake’ feature that randomly pairs two photos from your camera roll…taking out trying to ‘plan’ the photo, and just letting the magic of double exposures happen!
• Try doing a double exposure with a self-portrait! It can be such a fun way to get creative with our selfies.
• Most importantly, just have fun with it….try one of the Apps mentioned above and create Double Exposures with ease!

Okay….here are a few of the double exposures that happened on yesterday’s wanderings!  If you try any double exposure self-portraits today, share them with me using the #beyourownbeloved hashtag!

When I go to events, especially ones that shift and change you (like both of my retreat adventures this fall…the Wise Bodies, Wise Hungers Retreat and Lucky Star Art Camp) it feels more important than ever to add myself into the story I’m capturing through the camera.

Because, as it is becoming my mission to say aloud, so many of us are missing from the visual story of our lives.  From our photo albums, from images with our beloveds, from the context of our adventures.

Also, when we are the ones who are so often behind the camera, it can be easy to make that our comfort zone and only take photos of the adventure around us, without ourselves in it!

I’m in the post-trip stage right now where all I want is to be back in that dining hall with 70+ ladies sitting round tables feasting on the most healthy & scrumptious food and connecting with people.  Or sitting by the river writing.  And begin in the company of friends.

And photos bring us back there.

I know for me, when I look back in many years, it won’t be the landscape photos that bring me back to the experience or the photos of horses (though I still love taking them).  It will be the ones where I added a bit of myself into it…feet by the water, the morning sun on my shoulders, playing at that amazing camp car.

Adding ourselves into the story of our photos is, for me, a way to look back at the woman I was (3 days ago, 5 years ago) and look her in the eye…and know what she was struggling with, or how happy she was.

Lets also not just save this act of stepping into the frame for big adventures too. It is something we can do each and every day, adding ourselves into the most simple of moments like walking the dog, making food, connecting with our loved ones.

It doesn’t need to be our whole bodies or our faces either.  It can be our feet, our hands, even our shadows.  Lets put ourselves back into the visual story of life through our lens.

Adding ourselves into our photos helps us see where we’ve been and create where we are going.

What is a moment in your day, week, or month, that you could add yourself into your own visual story?

Oh…and if more guidance on turning the camera on yourself sounds exciting I do have a new session of Be Your Own Beloved starting November 1st!

Here are a few of those moments from last weeks adventure: