Category Archives: Uncategorized

August 13, 2014

A Behind the Scenes Look at Taking Self-Portraits

_MG_5589ws

I’ve been wanting to tell you what happens behind the scenes when I go out on these photo walks. To share every single photo with you with out censoring any of them.

I know when we see one selfie or self-portrait it is so easy to think that the person just went out and captured that one photo, effortlessly. Which really isn’t the case for most of us!

Of course, as we all know in the land of Instagram, our visual story is highly curated. We pick the one photo to share with others, and while there is nothing wrong with that at all…it makes it so easy to “compare others outsides to our insides”.

So the other day I headed out to the forest near my folks house (where I’m presently visiting) for a short photo walk. I had been in this forest years ago with my camera and I remembered the forest looking especially magical. It turned out that I didn’t see a single person as I was taking these photos which made me SO happy. You see, something happens when we can put down the camera and create a safe space for ourselves to move, dance, play and simply create a relationship of openness between ourselves and the camera.

Often those moments are interrupted by people walking by our chosen photo spot and that is bound to happen. Truly, 90% of the time I take selfies or self-portraits there are people very nearby. I try to at least block myself out of their view (which is why I love taking photos at the local community garden…so many spaces in that lush garden to find a little space for one’s self) but sometimes you truly just need to go for it and take the photo, whether people see you or not. If we wait for the ‘perfect’ moment, it will be hard to come by!

That said, there is a reservedness that I find in myself when people are nearby and on this photo walk it felt truly lovely to get to just wildly play & move, each time returning to my camera to press the shutter again. This is truly where the healing happens for me.

So here is my entire photo adventure, from start to finish (except that top photo was taken later in the photo walk). There are no photos deleted from this photo shoot and it is in the order I took them (left to right from this first image down). Nothing is photoshopped of course (as I don’t normally) but I do slightly play around with photos in terms of colour and exposure as I shoot in RAW so I do need to save each of these images to a JPG in order to share them with you.

I wanted to share this ALL with you so the next time you head out with your camera or iPhone to take self-portraits you might remember that it takes EVERYONE lots of photos to get that one they love…and give yourself permission to take more than you might normally (and I hope to help you get a little extra playful too)!

selfieshoot2at800

I didn’t have my tripod with me so I just took my camera out and put in on top of a log I happened to come across. At times I would put my purse or iPhone under the camera and prop it more upwards so I could get my whole body in the frame. I didn’t have my remote with me either so I was going back and forth between the camera and where I planned to stand, pressing the shutter each time (which is fun, but indeed…a remote does help the process go faster). I had brought a lens I love (the Canon 50mm 1.4 for you folks who love gear) that I know makes the forest look pretty magical.

How did I get myself in focus without a remote? I have my tricks and the one I use here is all about calculating the distance I’m going to be standing away from the camera and setting that manually on my lens (its actually a lot easier than it sounds and is a trick I share in depth in the Beloved Camera E-Book).

Sometimes this means I miscalculate, but honestly, it often ends up being the slightly blurry ones I end up liking the most!

selfieshoot3at800

I had no intention of sharing this entire photo shoot with you and I’m glad I didn’t plan it out that way as I’d worry that I’d unintentionally ‘curate’ the experience and not have felt quite as free in the moment as this one ended up being!

Normally I would look through all the photos of the day and pick my favourites or often I know which one I really want to focus on and just jump past the rest. Lots of these I wouldn’t have shared with you. Some I definitely see as outtakes, some I like but love another one a bit more and many are just playful and fun…and I can see them as part of the process of getting to one that I really love.

selfieshoot1

For me, it truly isn’t just about the final image. When I think of what makes a photo walk so healing & nourishing or what makes me feel like selfies have such beautiful potential to be healing for not just me, but for all of us…it is the process of getting those photos where we can see ourselves with love that make the difference, more than the photo itself. I feel like when I finally do get one of those photos that I really can see the woman I am becoming, it feels like every one of those circles of bokeh around her are stories of where she has been and how she got to that moment.

It is neat for me to look at them in order too as I see how the first couple dozen were really about playing and then something happens in these last half dozen that allow me to see that zen I tend to feel by the end of a photo walk, where I return yet again to my body and I can really see a woman who has learned how to fill up her own well in these photos!

That first one in the post is the one I would have chosen out of all of these to share. It feels interesting too, as I love it because it doesn’t hide some of the parts of my body that I’m still in the process of learning to love. My arms & my back. They may not fit into a standard of what is ‘supposed to be beautiful’ (as lots of people fat-shame about back fat) but thats not what I see in her. They are just the way I’m shaped, especially when I arch my back.

I’m learning to see the woman in the photo more through a lens of love rather than shame with each photo walk. It has been years on this journey, but I tell you…change happens when we step in front of the camera and invite ourselves to be witnessed by ourselves with compassion.

We don’t dig into the technical side of taking self-portraits in Be Your Own Beloved (it feels important to me that it can be done with any camera including an iPhone and with no need for any photography or selfie-taking experience) though during the class I am always available to answer your technical questions. And class starts September 1st!! But if you are looking for more technical info on getting playful with your camera when taking selfies or self-portraits, the Beloved Camera E-Book is indeed packed with all my tricks for getting photos you love with your DSLR!

So next time you head out on a photo walk and ponder putting the camera down and stepping into the frame, I hope you remember that it takes a whole lot of photos for ALL of us to get to that one we love and give yourself the permission to keep snapping photos, opening the door wider to the potential for self-compassion with each click of the shutter.

August 11, 2014

The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Failure & Being in Photos!

Recently I had the pleasure of attending a Creative Mornings talk by Kim Werker, Author of the about to be released book Make It Mighty Ugly: Exercises & Advice for Getting Creative Even When It Ain’t Pretty.

If you haven’t heard of Creative Mornings before, I highly recommend checking that out. It just might be taking place in a city near you. It is a monthly event, each month with the same subject being talked about by speakers from cities around the globe. If you don’t have one near you, you can also check out all of the speakers videos online each month.

What a great topic…failure. It is something we hear more and more about these days as a part of many peoples road to success involves a whole lot of failure and resilience. Often it is our failures that end up turning us towards the directions we are most meant to take in life.

The approach Kim took was different and I’m so glad she did. Kim’s talk went outside of the usual dialogue about failure and focused on the stories we tell ourselves about our failure. She used the example of one of the stories she had about failure being that she thought that she was the kind of girl who couldn’t make thinks look like what she thought they would in her mind and led us through how that story really influenced the trajectory of her life.

Oh how I relate to that one. As a member of a family with some seriously amazing painting talent (my grandfather is an amazing painter) I have a story that I can’t draw/paint realistic things. Have I really truly ever given myself the chance to explore working with oil paints and painting something realistic? Actually, no. I have a story that I can’t do it, without even really giving myself the chance to. These are the kinds of stories that Kim was getting us to explore.

Where have we decided we were a failure at something without even really giving ourselves a chance to be proven wrong about that?

I highly recommend pressing play and checking out the video of her talk.

It got me thinking about the experience people have in the Be Your Own Beloved class and how almost everyone who joins in for the class has (or has had at some point in their lives) some sort of story that they are failing at taking being ‘photographable’ or being able to see a photo of themselves and like what they see.

Because we think:

We aren’t photogenic

We don’t take a good picture.

We aren’t beautiful.

The camera doesn’t like us.

Wow.

So many of us have these stories that are deep set about how we have failed at being the kind of person who looks beautiful in a photograph.

And no wonder we think that. Especially if we don’t see bodies like our own represented in the imagery of pop culture & media or in perceived perceptions of what is ‘beautiful’.

It got me thinking about how it affects our experience of being in photos when we have this story of failure in our mind to begin with?

What would it be like if that story was no longer there?

While most people don’t join the class expecting to change that, it does happen. Often very quickly into the class, it is one story that they break open. They soon see they aren’t failing at taking a photo of themselves they like. They aren’t failing at being photogenic. They aren’t failing at taking selfies. They just need to step out of the story of being a failure at it in order to make room for that new story.

So I wanted to not only share Kim’s talk with you but to ask you this:

What would happen if you picked up your camera today, turned it on yourself and stepped out of the story of being someone who is not photogenic?

If you feel inspired to take a selfie today inspired by this idea, please don’t hesitate to use the hashtag #beyourownbeloved (and you are truly welcome to use it on any selfie…it is a way I can find you and cheer you on as you explore seeing yourself with kindness through your camera)!

Or if that feels like a BIG challenge, it is indeed something we work through in Be Your Own Beloved and I’d love to support you on your path to step out of that story of failure!

I’d love to hear what other take aways you get from watching Kim’s talk! What are some of the stories you have told yourself about failure in your life?

August 4, 2014

The Sure Fire Cure for Grumpiness

Recently I was looking back at my old website and found this post from 2009 and thought it was too fun to keep in the archives….and I thought I’d share it again, you know…in case there is a day you need it!

Okay, here we go!

The Surefire Cure for Grumpiness

Step One:

Grab a digital camera. Go to somewhere quiet and take pictures of anything. Then turn the camera on yourself. Don’t fake a smile. Photograph your grumpiness.

Step Two:

Keep taking pictures until something shifts, even if it takes a while. Maybe its the sunshine, or that you feel beautiful or are wearing the most gigantic earrings. Or maybe its just that your grumpiness wanted to be witnessed. Smile, for reals.

Step Three:

Be silly. Laugh at your ridiculous bed-head or a trying to be cool-face that didn’t fly. Don’t anyalze it. Just play.

Step Four:

Keep taking pictures. Keep playing. Smile (or don’t). Go home feeling like a different person.

July 29, 2014

Dear 36

Dear 36

Everytime I sit down to write these letters reflecting on the past year, I always feel like I have nothing to say at first and have a “Really…did anything happen this year of note?” moment. Here is our letter from last year: Dear 35

Of course, once I start writing, I remember (which is really all the more reason to keep writing these letters).

So, 36

It seems as though each year you seem to have a few ‘big dreams’ you wish for each time. Falling in Love & Getting a Book Deal.

Then each year around this time you find yourself feeling the weight of what you didn’t achieve, that pressure you put on yourself.

This year as your birthday neared, you couldn’t help but notice that weight was missing.

Did those 2 things happen this year? No.

But maybe it is finally soaking into my bones that it isn’t about the final achievement

But rather the beauty & bravery in the work it takes to get there.

And that indeed you did do this year.

Soon after 36 started you found an agent, finished a book proposal and had an exciting meeting with a big publisher, all within the first half of the year.

While it didn’t lead to a YES, I am proud that you went for it none the less.

More than that, in fact, what I’m most proud of about this year is that you didn’t stop there.

You wrote and wrote. 36000+ words in fact (and growing quickly).

You aren’t waiting for someone to say YES to us, you are writing the book no matter what the outcome.

36 was good for the most part, even though at times it was pretty rough. It wouldn’t be a truthful letter to you without this part of the story of 36.

Midway through 36th you lost someone you have loved & been loved by all of those years. Grammy.

You been well acquainted with grief for a long time now, but this one was one of the roughest.

Some days all you could do to get through it was to walk, for hours. You lived in your grief for a bit rather than pushing it away.

You did your best and while I wondered if it might make this year so rough that I might not even want to write this letter, you did okay.

Your grief was woven with such gratitude because 36 years on the planet with a Grammy you adored is still a pretty lucky thing.

You travelled to places like Texas & Nashville & Portland & San Francisco. Sometimes you taught and sometimes you were a participant and both were amazing (a really really divine year of trips). You swam in a river in Texas. You jumped and danced on Muir Beach. You giggled so much with your nephew in Portland. You fell head over heels with Nashville & now have gorgeous red boots that remind you of that journey.

You still have that sweet meowing cat at home and as we well know, she won’t be with you forever (she has a chronic illness) so she too has been big lesson in gratitude in this lifetime. Plus she’s ridiculously cute and so sweet to come home to.

You probably read more this year than you have in a long long time.

About Body image, Self-love, Healthy at Every Size, Intuitive Eating.

You’ve been in full-on self-education mode and it feels really beautiful.

You got even clearer on what Be Your Own Beloved is about and where you want this work to go.

That this is your life mission, to help women heal their body image & stop waring with themselves.

You always kind of knew that life would get better with age. In fact it was something that gave you hope in your teens.

You had a sense that as you aged, despite the self-hate you felt at the time, you would grow into yourself.

And it is true. With each year I love you even more

And you live more of a life free of self-hate and shame with every orbit around the sun.

I guess that here at 37, that is one of the things I’m most proud of you for.

Even if things don’t feel like they come easy, you are going for them anyways.

Really learning to love yourself and see yourself as beautiful, healing a whole lot of self-hate, even without finding your beauty only through someone else’s eyes.

And, Dear Vivienne, it is as clear as day that this time when things haven’t come easy has made you who you are. Made you able to give the world what you are meant to. To feel happy, truly happy…even without a publisher or a partner.

You are making your life worthwhile outside of those things.

And indeed it is.

For 37, I hope for you to have completion and transformation. I hope for you to really open your heart more, to new friends, to love, to life. To dream even bigger both for yourself and for Be Your Own Beloved.

I also hope you ask for help more, a lot more. You don’t have to go it alone all the damn time Vivienne!

Mostly I hope for you keep on this path that has been unfolding. Trust it.

Keep writing please. Finish the book and get it out into the world, publisher or not.

Be open, wide open to love.

From yourself and from others.

Mostly, I want you to just keep doing what you are doing.

Keep going on photo walks.

Keep devouring as many body image memoirs and books on self-love as you can.

Listen to Geneen Roths audiobooks over and over again and find your way even more fully into the path of intuitive eating.

Keep running with your awesome running community and moving in ways that bring you joy.

Keep following the clarity you feel.

Keep making peace with your belly.

I’m proud of you.

vivienne

Have you ever written a letter to yourself on your birthday. I can’t recommend this activity enough. Be it on a blog or in a journal. Whether you share it or not. Even if it feels a bit self-centred. Even if it is hard to write. It always makes me feel more ready to step into the year ahead by honouring & giving voice to the one that just passed.

July 23, 2014

Making Peace with My Belly

A few weeks ago I took a super quick trip to Portland for the Body Respect (Healthy at Every Size) Workshop. It was hosted by the wonderful gals at Be Nourished and led by Linda Bacon & Lucy Aphramor, two prominent thought leaders in the Healthy at Every Size movement.

It was AMAZING. I went for reasons both personal & professional. While I’m not a health practitioner, the Healthy at Every Size approach feels so in tune with the approach I take here with Be Your Own Beloved…learning to love & treat our bodies with kindness here and now.

Then there is the personal side. I’m on a lifelong path, like so many of us are, to untangle stories of self-hate and shift them into self-compassion.

Ever since the workshop, there has been an unexpected body love shift that is asking to be acknowledged.

One that I have known was still a big struggle for me.

But wasn’t ready to deal with yet, until now.

My Belly.

My belly & I have a long history of body shame.

It is the place in my body that shifts and changes the most, where I first remember starting to see myself from a place of critique.

It still feels like a place where the most body shame resides in me.

These days I feel like I can see my body as a whole with so much more kindness than I ever could before, largely due to using self-portraits as a tool to rewrite stories of negative self-image and to learn to see myself with love.

While I have made peace with so much of my body and how I see it (check out this post about making peace with my thighs) by focusing on reducing body shame rather than size and learning to love myself right now. Yet my belly has been the uncharted territory.

I have a long history of food allergies, with the most visible symptoms being belly bloating.

Whether or not we have food allergies, our bodies ebb and flow. They shift and change through so many factors (getting enough sleep, water, hormones and on and on) that are just natural. So why is it so common to see slight changes in our bodies as something to be critiqued and to see ourselves as ‘failing’ at.

It’s not that I send hate glares to my belly when it is bloated, but I have had this remaining dialogue within myself that sees my bloated days as bad days and the days when it is not bloated as good body days.

This is the diet mentality still running through me.

Of jumping from a place of self-compassion to self-hate depending on the size of my belly that day.

It is an old story of enough and not enough.

Of praise and shame.

And while it might not feel like it, as it has been our dialogue for so long, my belly & I.

I have learned that it doesn’t have to be that way.

My body will continue to ebb and flow like this, right from the belly, because….well, as a human, I eat!

And I want to practice what I preach more fully.

If I want to help you love your body more right here and right now, I need to keep deepening my own journey of doing that myself. Even the parts, like my Belly, that have felt like they might hold shame forever.

So it seems as though the choice is our own. Do I want to keep riding this roller coaster or do I want to get off of it?

It makes me think of how it felt to have a scale (before I broke it). How I don’t miss it. How it felt like I was constantly seeing if I was ‘good enough’.

Living without a scale showed me that there is a place of peacefulness & ease awaiting me as I make that choice not to engage in those praise/shame behaviours anymore.

So while it might seem at first like living without that bad/good relationship with my belly is impossible.

I don’t believe that any more.

I think that just like the way we see ourselves in photos, we have a choice.

And I’m choosing to end the war with my belly

I am committed to learning to see it with love in all its ebb and flow.

Thats not to say it won’t be easy, or like anything else on the self-love path…there will be days when I forget I chose peace and will step back into it.

But it is time to choose love.