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I wasn’t sure if I was going to share the ‘behind the scenes’ experience of this with you…but I want to.

Because this path of being a creative entrepreneur (and…well, being human)…oh my, it is full of highs and lows.  Of celebrating and struggling.

I confess it has been a pretty great year.  My courses are thriving and I’m madly in love with my work.

Then I stepped outside of my comfort zone when I was asked to do a ‘talk’ at a local gallery.

I’ve taught before, but have never done a ‘talk’ which felt totally different, and it was.

Teaching, I feel like my introvert self comes out and its hard to get my words out sometimes.  Would a talk be like this?  Or would it be like when I used to play music and I felt good onstage once I got past the nerves of getting there?

I had no clue which one it would be, all I knew was that I was wildly nervous to speak in front of a group.

Then another layer of nervousness arrived.

Would anyone come to my talk?

As the talk was nearing, I reached out to all my local offline friends.  My online and offline world have always felt quite separate and I don’t necessarily talk to my offline friends about my work too much but I really really hoped I would be able to have a few of them come support me (and maybe learn more about what I do).

I also contacted all the local pals I knew who had taken my classes and who I did know through my work.

One by one the No’s came back.  Everyone had a good reason.  Work, dr’s appointments, family obligations, self-care.

But as they came back as No’s one after another, I fell deep (WAY deep) into feelings of failure, of loneliness, of isolation, of not being loved or valued.

“Its not personal” my family said as I’d confess my feelings of failure.

I knew it wasn’t personal but it was truly so hard to convince my heart of that.

I also kept on getting emails from people saying “oh you’ll fill it” assuming that things come easy over here.  I think so often we assume everyone else’s entrepreneurial path is simple and without struggle, but likely none of ours are.

In my mind I knew no matter how many people came, it didn’t mean I wasn’t worthy of sharing my message or worthy of support, but our inner critic sure has a way of shouting louder and pulling at our heartstrings to make us believe something different to keep us in the fear.

But I had to come to terms with the fact that my specific fear, of none of my offline friends showing up for me…was coming true.

I fell into a deep state of panic for days and tried to reach out to more people to see if they could come and the no’s just kept on coming back.

It was looking like I was going to be doing a talk to about 4 people (I knew this cause I was obsessively checking how many tickets were sold).

I knew that I needed to focus on those 4 people who said yes.  That they were showing up (2 were even travelling from Portland for the talk)!

But I was in such a state of sadness and panic that I really wanted out.

I was THIS CLOSE to cancelling the whole thing.  I was literally crying for days.  I even reached out to some friends online and asked “Do we always need to push through the fear?  Isn’t it okay sometimes to listen to ourselves especially when our bodies are shouting NO”.

I felt like a protective Mama Bear wanting to keep myself safe from all this intense emotion.

It was quite honestly pretty interesting to experience (not in the moment but after the fact) as I mentioned yesterday…in my classes I talk a lot about facing fear and pushing through it and my friends, this was truly so hard to push through.  My body was truly in panic & stress mode and wanted out of the situation.

Then the day of the talk finally came and finally, after truly days of feeling very upset and in panic.  It finally subsided.

Relief.  Release.

Fear let go of its hold of me.

I had somehow walked through the fire and made it to the other side.

As I headed to the talk, I suddenly (and somewhat miraculously) felt pretty darn Zen.  

I found myself finally (FINALLY) able to focus in on the people who were showing up (and on showing up for myself).

Because I do feel like I have something of value to say, that I have worked hard to find my voice in this world and that I do want to share it.

The talk?

Well, it was AWESOME!

A few incredible friends I know from the online world and am getting to know in person came and oh my heart swelled as they came through the door.   Thank you so much Pace, Kyeli, Jennifer & Tonya!!! And so much thanks to Rachael Ashe for asking me to do the talk!   Then a few other gals came who I didn’t know at all.  They came to see me talk and learn about self-portraiture?  Wow wow wow.

Then I stepped in front of them and began.

I had practiced the talk a number of times and as I got up there I finally felt totally calm and I felt in tune with the energy of purpose.  My lovely friend Pace shared after the talk that “You could tell you have something to say to the world and that you were on a mission to say it”.  It was truly amazing to have my friends Pace & Kyeli there (all the way from Portland) as they helped me realize a few things I did right in the talk that I had no clue I was doing.

It felt amazing.

I felt like me.  Silly playful me.  Yet also that woman with a message to share and a story to tell.

It felt totally different from teaching and in fact it felt really good.

After the ‘talk’ part of the night I gave the folks there a few activities to try and was SO overjoyed when they jumped right in.  There were self-portraits happening everywhere.

I honestly wasn’t sure I’d say this but I am SO glad I pushed through the fear and did it.

Am I bummed that no local offline friends came?  Yes, but I’m slowly letting go of that.

I’m also starting to explore how much the support/friends/worthiness part is not at all about the talk.  I should also note that I’m freshly home from the Wise Bodies, Wise Hungers retreat so I’m still very much thinking about Rachel Cole’s amazing work and it is pretty deeply moving me these days.  Of course I knew all along this was not about the talk, but couldn’t emotionally separate the two at the time.  Rather, I think I am so clearly aware right now about the hungers I’m working with, one of those absolutely being ‘worthiness’ and this really showed up in not feeling worthy.

My stories, the ones that hold me back…were shouting wildly and I was listening to them wholeheartedly.

I wanted to share this with you in case you might be a creative entrepreneur and perhaps the e-course you’re teaching or the talk you’re doing isn’t filling.  This is wildly deeply vulnerable work we are doing and it truly does tap into our emotional world.

As well, I wanted to share this with you in need it the next time you go out of your comfort zone and fear starts hunting you.  You’ll be okay and you’ll make it through (though I know it sure doesn’t feel like that at the time).

And maybe I’m writing this for myself too, for next time I go out of my comfort zone and fear rears its head again, because going outside of our comfort zone is a good thing but mighty hard work isn’t it!

To remember that sometimes your fear DOES come true and you make it through, and that sometimes these kinds of moments actually help us build resilience, help us cope better next time that fear comes up again.

I also wanted to share a few photos from the talk with you.  If you saw these photos alone you wouldn’t know there was a ‘behind the scenes’ viv-saga, would you!

Because of course what we share on Instagram is only part of the stories and we are all a collection of choices of what we share and what we keep private.  So today I thought I’d pull back the curtains and share this with you even though it feels mighty vulnerable to (especially to share that crying self-portrait above which I never intended to share…I just wanted to take it in the moment to offer the feeling of being seen, to myself).

Fear.

It doesn’t feel good at all but it sure is a BIG teacher.

This past week has been a BIG fear facing week for me.

Of having every cell in my body want to do anything but go out of my comfort zone and of being seconds away from running wildly away from the fear and back into my safety bubble.

I confess it hasn’t been pretty.  It has been tears streaming, hyper-ventalating, panic-inducing and truth facing.

But I made it through.

Its been pretty exhausting to face fear like this (I’m going to share more of the story tomorrow in another blog post) but it was all about doing a ‘talk’ at a local gallery that wildly unearthed a whole lot of feelings around worthiness, public speaking, being an introvert on ‘stage’ and feeling supported.  It was a whirlwind of fear.

But I made it through it and across the threshold of my comfort zone (and I totally was okay doing the talk…I was so worried I either would cry or wouldn’t be able to get my words out…neither of which remotely happened…oh the relief)!

Now that I’ve made it outside of my comfort zone and past the fear, I feel more able to look at the process of fear from outside the experience itself.

Facing fear is such a big part of taking self-portraits too….hearing those stories of the way we might have seen ourselves in photos and saying ‘No, I want to try this, my way, and see what happens’.

Our inner critics don’t like change, do they!

They want us to stay in the comfort of what we know.

Even if it doesn’t serve us.

Even if it doesn’t encourage us.

Our inner critics priority is keeping us in our comfort zone and not letting us out.

In my classes we talk a lot about our inner critic and pushing past it as taking self-portraits is outside of the comfort zone for so many of us.

The hardest part is often just getting to the point where we pick up the camera and go for it or click the button and sign up for the class or share that first photo in the Flickr group.

Once we elbow our way past our inner critic, perhaps even filled with fear, we get past the threshold and find ourselves held in the company of people doing exactly the same thing.

Today and yesterday have been the first days of 2 brand new classes: Beloved Beginnings (for those just beginning their journey to see themselves with kindness through self-portraiture) and Beloved Body (for those who have taken the original Be Your Own Beloved class and are ready for more).

The first day of class as I send out the prompts there is always this big pause between people reading it and posting their photos and I confess I got teary seeing all of the photos of those Beloved Beginners pour into the Flickr Group.  Seeing people push past the fear and say YES, especially since they don’t know what opening the door to self-portraits might hold and that it might put us knee (or neck) deep in old stories that we might need to let go of.

Now that I’m past that 5 days of full on fear I’m slowly feeling the gratitude for it seeping in.

Because I don’t want this lifetime to be stagnant.  I don’t want to stay in old stories just because they are safe.

I’ve always loved this quote:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

and this past week really makes me think of it and how painful it can actually be to remain in that bud, even excruciating and how scary it is sometimes to take that risk when everything in us is telling us to remain the bud….and what a release it is to push past it and take the risk to blossom.

Oh…and if you’re interested in joining in for Beloved Beginnings or Beloved Body…registration is only open for a couple more days and class has begun (but its not at all too late to get caught up)!

Its been a bit strange lately seeing a number of blog posts or articles ‘bashing’ self-portraits.  Yes, I totally get that the culture of taking ‘selfies’ can be overwhelming on the internet and folks can go a bit wild with it.  Yet it is so easily dismissed as vain or selfish.

Of course, I believe that behind every person taking a ‘selfie’ is someone with a story to tell.

That the act of taking a self-portrait can be self-indulgent but for many of us, that is a brave and beautiful act of self-care and self-portraits can be powerful place of reclamation and of healing.

I have a whole post responding to those posts coming soon and for you local folks, I have something even better.

I’m doing a talk next Tuesday at a lovely gallery in town called “Self-Portraiture: More than Just Selfies” and I’m excited (oh…and more than a little bit nervous) to be doing the talk!

So local folks, come on out!  I’d love to meet you and love your support!

Grab a ticket (they are by donation) and secure your spot at the event!

I hope to get to meet you there…oh and if you read the blogs of the lovely Pace & Kyeli….guess what…they are coming all the way up from Portland for the event so you’ll get to connect with them too!

I hope to see you there!

Next stop after visiting Clarion Alley was to meet up with my lovely friend Andrea of Superhero Life.  I met Andrea many years ago during my time in the Bay Area and it is always lovely to get to catch up with her in person.  Speaking of Andrea, have you seen her new offering….the Supersonic Sessions.  If you have an e-course that you’re yearning to birth, Andrea can help you rock it into fruition!

Among our many adventures that afternoon, I got to meet her amazing wish tree outside of her home (you can find out the story of the wish tree in this post).

It was might lovely to get to stand under it for a while, with the wind blowing the wishes around wildly.  I filled in a card and tied it to the tree.  The wish that went on that card ended up being what I did some work around at the retreat…so it felt like a lovely moment that opened up to some deepening over the coming days.

If you were standing in front of that tree with a blank card in your hand, what would you write?  Holding space for whatever wishes are yearning to be spoken aloud today!

A couple weekends ago I was up in the gorgeous Whistler BC with some friends.  Last year was the first time I had ever been to Whistler (you can see some of the magic of that trip here)  and I was surprised how much I loved that touristy town nestled into the mountains and was mighty excited to get back there this year.

In Whistler there is always a festival of some sort each weekend of the summer and it so happened that this year it was the Ironman Canada Race.  I knew it would be cool to check out a bit of it but I must confess, I kind of caught the Ironman bug (no…i can’t forsee myself ever wanting to do it, but it was so inspiring).

Now, as someone to whom body-positivity and being able to see yourself with love as you are, not just when you become a better version of yourself, I might have had some assumptions about what an athletic event of such grand proportions would be like (they swam almost 4km, then biked 180 km and then ran a frickin’ marathon…42kms).  I kind of assumed it would be all about fitness and athleticism and while that is indeed an element of it (I have never seen so many compression socks in my life) as part of the crowd watching the race I was pleasantly surprised that the energy around the event was so much more than that.

Perhaps I should have recognized the kinship by the love notes and hearts and messages written on sidewalks, or the posters on lamp posts, or the messages on people’s posters.  Or maybe it was when I realized it when I noticed that so many of the posters had messages of love.  “Love is all you need” “We love you so much”.  Sure, some were more about the race but a surprising amount of them were about love or that the racer was believed in.

I wasn’t alone in feeling choked up by the support and cheering.

A friend and I went down to the finish line after dinner to check it out and oh my, it was really the best part of all.  Cheering as each person crossed the finish line, with radiant smiles on their faces (even if you could see they were in pain) and just being able to be one person saying ‘You just did what you might not have believed you could’ through clapping and cheering was really touching.  The announcer rocked and as each person crossed the finish line he’d say ‘You are an Ironman’.

In a way I don’t think it is just about the running, biking and swimming and I think that this part of the Ironman energy.  It  seems to be about doing something beyond our own expectations which is something that deeply resonates with me.

Here are a few themes I saw that go beyond Ironman and that had me smitten with the event (even seriously pondering being a volunteer for next years event).

Doing something beyond our wildest dreams

As I mentioned, this was one of the common themes I felt and it was mighty inspiring outside of the idea of the race itself.

What could we do that is beyond our wildest dreams, that would feel like crossing a finish line, arms up in celebration and pride?

What is something that we could do today that might feel like one step towards it.  Perhaps putting up a profile on an online dating site (that would be one for me) as finding love sometimes feels like its unreachable.   Maybe it is looking at ourselves in the mirror with love today, knowing that it is one step towards some day looking at the mirror and smiling widely at ourselves full of compassion and love.  Or maybe it taking our camera out for a photo walk and not listening to our inner critic but going for it anyways (or finishing a painting, or submitting an article to a magazine).   What are our wildest dreams and what if they weren’t impossible?

Support

It was really beautiful to see and chat with the racer support teams.  Because they can’t do such a superhuman task alone.  It was clear that while it might be physically possible, it was truly important that these racers had emotional support cheering them on throughout the race.

Not just that, but you couldn’t help but get caught up in the energy of giving support.  Throughout the day I watched bits of the race and cheered people on.  It was especially amazing to be at the finish line and see the racers so radiant with joy as they ran down the final stretch.

While I didn’t go down to the finish line at the very end of the race (the cutoff is midnight…which would be nearly 17 hours of racing for those who finished just before the cut off) I heard all day how that was the best part of the race and seeing videos of the final finishers, so amazing.  Are you picturing the last lone racer coming in to an empty finish line?  It was entirely the opposite, the stands were full to the brim and the people were cheering more than ever.  I was in awe watching the videos of it.  All the folks I chatted with during the day who were supporting a racer told me that it was amazing to be there cheering on the people who really needed it.    It seemed like from the crowds perspective, value wasn’t given by how fast you went but rather that you tried.  Amazing.

I know for me, this brings up the idea of asking for help, especially when we know that we may not be able to go it alone.  In the last 2 times I’ve done races I haven’t ever asked a friend to come cheer me on, not wanting to inconvenience them to come into busy downtown (though my amazing friend Emilia always meets me afterwards for a celebratory brunch.  Thanks E)…but what if in asking folks to come cheer me on, they might find themselves inspired by the supportive energy like I did watching the Ironman.  There are so many ways I don’t ask for help from friends (I find it much easier to ask for help from my family though) but we can’t do it alone can we?  This is actually a hard one for me as I have this thing about not wanting to ask too much of people but really, when we ask for help or support we are inviting people to know us better and show up for us.

Endurance

Okay, obviously this race is endurance to the max.  I know in my first 10km race (oh, and my second) I didn’t necessarily believe I could do it and so much of the race was me fighting my own inner critic.  I can only imagine the challenge it must be to push yourself that extremely.

But if we take it outside of the context of athletics and into the realm of self-love, I think committing to a practice of self-compassion is a path of endurance and resilience.  It is showing up for ourselves again and again, even when we don’t think we can and saying ‘I can do this’, ‘I’m worth it’ and recommitting to self-compassion.

So will I ever do an Ironman?  Heck no.

But I might just have to take more notice of the places where I might learn unexpected lessons about self-love and of letting ourselves be supported.

My friend Jo and I were joking after going to the finish line how we just wanted to cheer on every person we saw saying ‘You can do it’ or ‘Looking Strong’ or ‘You’re going to make it’.

Just imagine a world where we did that and I’m pondering some of the ways that we do that or have the potential to.

So in case you need it today…

You can do it.

Looking Strong today my friend!

and 

You’re going to make it!